I don't want to talk about it
When it’s time to unravel your past traumas, it brings back the hurt and pain that you didn’t anticipate. Just the thought of talking about anything, getting therapy to identify what can possibly trigger you is not where I want to be. This is part of what depression feels like. Years of trauma, years of things that have been happening, not getting it resolved mentally. Mental health is something to take seriously. Mental health is deeper than what people say or see that’s only on the surface.
Not too long ago I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. MDD is a mental disorder characterized by at least two weeks of pervasive low mood. Low self-esteem, loss of interest in normally enjoyable activities, low energy, and pain without a clear cause are common symptoms. So many symptoms that comes with MDD but what I have been experiencing is the inconsistent sleep patterns. One-minute I’m sleeping all day with no energy to get up and the next I can’t sleep but still don’t have the energy to do. My appetite is at a loss, Fatigue is at its highest, feeling unworthy. Can’t concentrate and always feeling the world on my shoulders. After having a few therapy sessions, I was advised to see a psychiatrist. This whole time I’m thinking I have ADHD and come to find out that’s not the case. Reason I can’t focus is because I have so much on me, and my worries clouds my brain and Judgement. I can’t think!
I have been so busy head in on the things I love and enjoy, I didn’t even notice the depression state I was in. Once I started to take a break from my daily activities, it started hitting me one by one. I actually had time to think, but all I can think about is how much of a failure I have become. What I thought my year was going to look like or end up like wasn’t going so well. Everything I was doing was a start but no finish, I feel incomplete. To the world, I’m doing a lot of great things and in my happy place and that’s how I presented myself, but on the inside, I didn’t and don't feel that way. After speaking with my psychiatrist, you know they ask all these questions and it’s either a yes or no and when I saw more yes than no’s; I knew something was coming. The whole talk about getting it out. I have past traumas from being sexually molested to death in front of me that I have never seen or talked to anyone about. When my previous marriage dissolved, that is when I started therapy. My therapy sessions were solely to get me back to where I needed to be after a divorce. Now that I look back, I should have unraveled my history.
So much has happened to me in my past, I simply had to put it in a box and hide it. Today I now know that what has been a trauma to me, comes back to me in different forms and it puts me in a place that I don’t even recognize because of the hidden Traumas. It’s sort of like PTSD, you can respond to a current situation that may not cause such of a reaction you may give but because of a past trauma, it looks that different, it looks like trauma, which makes you respond either aggressively or just shut down. So, with the incompleteness I have been feeling, I throw myself into work. Work keeps me tired but work also keeps me busy where I don’t have to think about what is mentally affecting me. And when I say work, I don’t mean my 9-5, I’m talking about anything that keeps me busy that I love to do from my own entrepreneurship to just being a mentor. I saw a quote that says, “you like taking care of people because it heals the part of you that needed someone to take care of you.” I have been taking care of so many people neglecting self. So do I want to talk about it, No! But I must. I’m about to start a journey that’s going to take me places I’ve been before, but the one thing I do know is that God will never put more on me than I can bear. I know that depression is real and it is easy to say “I’m depressed” but the kind that I have been feeling is a feeling I wouldn’t want anyone to feel. Your lows are so low, if you don’t have a love so strong for yourself or anyone else it would make you want to unlive yourself. Your Highs are so high, when you come off that high reality hits you and brings you to that low. I believe there is a balance and the only way to get there is to talk about it and revisit the past.
Now I will begin my self-care journey. Self-care goes beyond getting your nails done, spa day, retail therapy or even a weekend away. Self-care is something from within.
I dedicate this read to all that have been in a struggle mentally and doesn’t know why. For more on mental health visit www.mentalhealth.gov
Mental health includes our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel, and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make choices. Mental health is important at every stage of life, from childhood and adolescence through adulthood. mentalhealth.gov
Recovery: Four major dimensions support a life in recovery:
1. Health: Make informed, healthy choices that support physical and emotional well-being.
2. Home: It is important to have a stable and safe place to live.
3. Purpose: Engage in meaningful daily activities, such as a job or school, volunteering, caring for your family, or being creative. Work for independence, income, and resources to participate in society.
4. Community: Build relationships and social networks that provide support.
Types of Mental Illness
Depression and Other Mood Disorders
Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Schizophrenia Spectrum and Other Psychotic Disorders
Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder
Disruptive Behavioral Disorders